I recall a time when I mistakenly believed that I loved an individual 'to the moon and beyond -- into infinity.' I subsequently realized my passion and emotion were wasted on the individual. It was not until we finally met in person and spent time together [we'd 'met' online--deepest of sighs] that I fully realized this man lived his life without a modicum of integrity and that he had wholly misrepresented his intentions toward me. Alas, this nightmare did become a painful, but invaluable life lesson.
In the process of healing and self-forgiveness for my egregious lapse in judgment -- borne of my having chosen to ignore simple, common sense -- that I also learned a great deal about myself -- mostly who I am [and always have been (unbeknownst to me)] as well as who I am not.
I firmly believe that NOBODY has any conceivable reason or right to cause [intentionally or otherwise] another emotional pain as this man had caused me. Whether HE ill-advisedly felt self-righteously justified in behaving as unconscionably as he did was wholly beside the point.
It took my being emotionally devastated to learn the reality of who he is -- and the equally long time it took me to recover -- that I finally accepted these lessons that I now consider my most invaluable life experience. I sincerely intend and hope that I shall NEVER again ignore 'red flags' or allow anyone to cause me needless humiliation and unnecessary sorrow.
What I am grateful for is fully realizing and accepting who I am, as well as knowing that I have at long last integrated an emotionally devastating and nightmarish experience into the tapestry of my life. I have become more emotionally healthy and stable and now believe that I am a woman of consequence.
Although it took me over 50 years to learn what IS and is NOT important in life, I have finally learned that I have the option of whether I choose to make necessary changes in my behavior that may result in my no longer engaging with toxic, dysfunctional individuals. I no longer desire to establish equally toxic, dysfunctional relationships -- intimate and/or platonic.
This has been a painful reckoning and learning experience for me -- albeit, I had the extraordinary opportunity of discovering [and accepting] how I was responsible for participating in such toxic, dysfunctional craziness.
At the time, self-forgiveness seemed a herculean task -- one I would never accomplish. HOWEVER, when I was at long last able to forgive myself, I experienced the authentic liberation of letting go so I was able to move forward.
I also learned an important lesson about love -- we must first, and foremost, love ourselves BEFORE it is possible to fully let go and love another. I am both awed and grateful to realize that loving to the moon and beyond (into infinity) is a simply amazing journey of discovery.
I am even more liberated by knowing that my capacity for love is not solely limited to the love I may believe I feel for another -- most especially when I am no longer in that person's embrace. Rather, my love of life itself was and is the divine gift that I experienced at a time in my life when I could fully understand and accept this gift of awakening.
And so life is what it is -- simply amazing.
Stephanie Doty
Simply Amazing
January 25, 2014 [revised from January 10, 2014]
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