I first wrote about self-forgiveness in June 2013, a little less than one year ago. However, I recently realized that it has only been within the last month or so that I fully experienced the liberation of total self-forgiveness.
I do not believe I was attempting to delude myself. Rather, it was not until I recognized a more subtle shift in my perceptions that I began to recognize the mantle of shame I'd become so used to bearing no longer weighed me down. I also began to feel more compassionate -- mostly toward myself but for others who continue to act from a hostile heart instead of a loving sensibility.
From this heightened awareness, I also began to experience a more profound sense of loss -- of time, energy, life as I've come to experience it. This sense of sorrow is as much for myself as anyone else. But, the saving grace is the recognition that my grieving self is not the leading character in my life. My sadness is but one aspect of my totality.
For far too long, I struggled with the concept of self-forgiveness, believing I’d never achieve such a cleansing state of mind. And, yet, what I discovered with the passing of time is that I no longer felt much of anything for the one who once appeared the root of so much of my sorrow, so much sadness and pain. I had begun the powerful transformation from feeling victimized by my emotions to becoming empowered, but . . . .
I had slowly
become aware that I was no longer feeling bereft or angry. All that remained was my feeling an
incredible sense of relief that the abysmal chapter in the sad saga of my
romantic life had, at long last, reached its denouement. It seemed to me that I could finally close
the book on that painful subject. For
quite some time, I concluded that I would probably never again be willing to
share any part of my life with another now that I have become a senior citizen
and have only twenty-five or thirty years left to live
But, bit by bit,
I discovered that the essence of the love I feel within my heart is so pure
that it is not possible for this kind of love (that I believe is the essence of
each and every sentient being) to become sullied by anyone or anything – for
any reason whatsoever. I realized that,
perhaps, in time, I could meet someone before I die. I also began to slowly accept the possibility
that if our feelings for one another were mutual, in all likelihood, we would
agree to share our lives and travel the remainder of our life journeys together.
Once I began to
realize – and accept -- the truth of my feelings, I could not help but smile,
knowing that there is seldom, if ever, a time when anything is written in stone
– except perhaps the dates of when we are born and die that are etched on our
tombstones.
I had once adamantly
declared “NEVER AGAIN” – most
especially my sentiment the last time I became bitterly disappointed when the
reality of an individual was a dramatic departure from the illusion that I,
albeit unknowingly, had blindly accepted.
It was not until I had the opportunity of meeting this individual in
person and began observing him on a daily basis, that reality surfaced
immediately. My problem, by that time,
was that I intentionally did not want to accept reality – in favor of the
illusion.
Unfortunately,
my refusal did nothing to neutralize and/or mitigate the circumstances I
faced. Instead, I became exceedingly
vulnerable and horrified by the disparity between truth and illusion. As emotionally upset as I became by what ultimately
occurred, I nonetheless gained an invaluable lesson that led me to learn who I
am, but, most importantly, who I am not.
Perhaps, the
only positive spin for such a devastating, emotional debacle is the level of self-awareness
that I finally achieved. This heightened
state of consciousness led me to fully accept and love the woman I am – and, no
doubt, always have been. Within this
consciousness, I, in turn, realized that it had become critical for me to make
life changes that would dramatically alter my life. Learning and accepting the reality of who I
am has enabled me to forgive myself for the seemingly ill-conceived decisions I
made in my past.
I did not think
it would ever be possible for me to realize self-forgiveness. However, in the middle of the night when I
had awakened and could not get back to sleep, I realized the culmination of
experiencing the full gamut of my feelings had led to something that was
life-changing for me.
Learning to
forgive myself has been liberating. Self-forgiveness
was not lurking just below the surface.
Rather, I had to dive deeply within before
I could understand that any action I had taken over the years was nothing I
had ever done out of revenge for anything I intentionally or maliciously hoped
to achieve. Instead, I have never done
anything without considerable forethought and/or consideration.
What eventually
happened did not manifest as a brilliant light of recognition or celebration of
perseverance. Rather, I felt cleansed of
any remaining doubt about the kind of person I now am. In those early morning moments of strengthened
awareness, I finally realized I had returned home to myself and that I could,
at long last, face the end of my days with the full awareness that I had always
done the best I was capable of doing.
But, alas, it
was not until someone intentionally and callously hurt me by spewing falsities (as
though predicated on realty) that I began to fully understand that toxic people
create dysfunctional relationships and
will behave as they always do – with careless disregard and/or a total lack of
respect for others.
I do realize some
people allow their inner demons to guide their behavior. How they choose to respond to life has
nothing to do with any externality. Rather,
their toxic, dysfunctional behavior is the result of whether s/he has sufficiently,
emotionally developed in response to life experiences. The question of whether toxic, dysfunctional
behavior is intentional becomes sadly irrelevant since such behavior is what it
is -- nothing more.
Alas, if anyone
chooses to assume responsibility for the actions of another, I imagine all the
unsuspecting individual will ultimately discover is the futility of accepting
ill-conceived responsibility. Inappropriately
assuming responsibility for another’s behavior is as useless and without
meaning as standing in the middle of heavy traffic and not taking necessary
precautions to prevent a passing vehicle from striking us and causing damage.
Consequently,
and quite simply, it becomes critical to change our own behavior when
establishing relationships of any kind.
Unfortunately, not all changes are necessarily as simple as we might imagine. But, our need to change becomes
critical. One of my favorite quotes of
Anais Nin is particularly poignant, i.e. “And the day came when the risk to
remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin
And so it is
that I continue to experience life-altering changes. Nothing may have prepared me for the
difficulty of such transformation – life does not become magically, mystically
uncomplicated and/or easy. Rather,
change is precisely that – change.
Change
has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is
threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is
encouraging because things may get better.
To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make
things better. King Whitney Jr.
--
As Anais Nin has
so eloquently stated, it is fundamentally impossible to return to the former
state of the tight bud, even though we may have learned a particular pattern of
behavior far more readily than that of any potential change. However, the bud cannot go back into itself
once it has blossomed. Accordingly, the
possibilities of change seem altogether inviting.
Life, as I have begun to live more fully in each moment, is simply amazing -- due to both its many textured layers AND because of its ultimate simplicity.
Life, as I have begun to live more fully in each moment, is simply amazing -- due to both its many textured layers AND because of its ultimate simplicity.
Stephanie Doty
Simply Amazing
February 27, 2014
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/
Simply Amazing
February 27, 2014
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/3.0/
